Caffeine
by Avalon Estel
Summary: What do you get when you cross the Fellowship with a cup of Starbucks coffee? Absolute mayhem. [Threeshot: COMPLETE]
1. What's Starbucks?

Caffeine 

A/N: First, I have to thank Erestor for inspiring this story. I read "The Coffee Plot", and this is what came to mind. Second, I was under the influence of caffeine myself when I wrote this.

Disclaimer: If I owned these guys, do you _really_ think I'd subject them to this kind of torture? And do you believe I own a chain of coffee shops?

Real Disclaimer: "The Lord of the Rings" and all related characters, locations, etc., belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema Productions, respectively.

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Chapter One: What's Starbucks?

The Fellowship had set up camp. It had been a long day, and they were all exhausted. All, of course, except for Pippin. So while the rest weren't paying attention, he wandered off in search of adventure.

Unfortunately, he found it in a paper coffee cup.

It was just sitting there on a hollow log. It looked like it was waiting. And waiting. But for what? Pippin wasn't about to hang around and find out. So he picked it up. It was slightly heavy and some sort of liquid sloshed around inside.

"What's this?" he asked no one in particular. He took the lid off gingerly and peered inside. A strong, bitter sort of aroma invaded his nostrils and he quickly moved the cup away. "Whoa!" he cried. "What IS that?" He covered it and went back to the camp at a sprint.

"Gandalf! Gandalf!" he shouted, his hairy feet slipping on the mossy undergrowth. "Look what I found – er, I mean – discovered!"

"What now, you fool of a Took?" Gandalf asked, standing up. The others shook their heads at the phrase that had become trite due to Gandalf's constant reiteration of it.

"Look!" Pippin exclaimed. He shoved the cup (which he had uncovered) under Gandalf's nose. The old wizard coughed and sputtered, clutching his throat. Like lightning, Legolas reached out and snatched it from outof Pippin's hand.

"What were you trying to do?" Gandalf demanded. "Kill me?"

"No, I just wanted to show it to you," Pippin murmured. He looked torn between excitement and humiliation.

"What is it, _Mithrandir_?" asked the Elven prince. The cup was clasped between his graceful hands as if it were something delicate: a butterfly or snowflake.

"It has strange markings on it," Aragorn said, taking it from Legolas. He sniffed it. "It smells..._strange_."

"Everything's strange to you, Ranger," Gimli muttered, running a fingertip up and down the edge of his axe.

Gandalf took the cup next, studying the foreign symbols. "It says 'Starbucks'."

"What's 'Starbucks'?" asked Boromir.

"_I_ don't know!" Gandalf cried.

Boromir chuckled, a smug smile on his face. "I thought you knew _everything_!"

Gandalf looked furious. "Why you impertinent little Orc!"

Boromir was equally outraged. "_Orc_! I'll show _you_ Orc!"

As the shouting match continued, Aragorn, who had taken the coffee cup back from Gandalf, looked at Gimli, Legolas, and the hobbits.

"Well," he began, swirling the dark liquid around by rotating the cup. "Shall we try it?"

"Oh, let me try it first!" Sam called.

"No, me!" Merry cried.

Pippin shoved him. "_I_ found it!"

Frodo looked at them, stricken. "You _want _to try it? But – but – what if it's poisonous?" He gasped. "What if it's a new weapon from Sauron that was left on purpose by the Ringwraiths, and I was supposed to find it and drink it, and then get poisoned and die, and – "

Aragorn interrupted. " – and we won't know unless – "

"– unless one of us drinks it," Legolas finished. He quickly seized it back from Aragorn, flipped his long golden hair, gave them a suave grin, and took a long gulp of the coffee.

For a moment, nothing happened.

Then, his eyes went wide.

He shivered.

And he giggled.

Insanely.

* * *

A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Legolas and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to hate him. I know I'm gonna get bashed by you Legolas-lovers, but it's nothing against him personally. I'm anti-perfection. And Legolas is just too perfect. Let's all do some Legolas-bashing! 


	2. Utter Insanity

Caffeine

A/N: Thanks to Miss Piratess, whom I can't thank enough, as she has commented on every chapter of every single story I have on this site (You're wonderful, M.P.!), and to elvishnerd and The Cap'n! I appreciate your comments. And now, more LEGOLAS-BASHING!!!!

* * *

Chapter Two: Utter Insanity

Legolas continued laughing that way for some time. Gandalf and Boromir actually stopped arguing to gawk in astonishment at the Elf.

"What's _wrong_ with him?" asked Boromir.

The four hobbits automatically pointed at Aragorn. "He gave him the Starbucks!"

Aragorn was indignant. "I did _not_!" he shouted. "Mr. Pretty Boy took it himself!"

Meanwhile, Legolas had sprung to his feet and began prancing around the circle that they had made around their fire. He hadn't stopped giggling.

"That is so _wrong_," Gimli said.

The others nodded in agreement.

"This is all your fault, you fool of a Took!" Gandalf yelled, pointing at Pippin.

"Why is it _my_ fault?" demanded Pippin. "I didn't make him drink it!"

Suddenly, Legolas stopped behind Gandalf and pulled his pointed wizard hat off. Giggling some more, he jammed the hat on his own head and seized Gandalf's wiry, silver mane. In a few moments, it had been woven into a single shining plait. Then, Legolas pulled Gandalf's hat down over his eyes and disappeared up a tree.

"What are we going to do?" asked Aragorn, staring up at the crazed Elf.

"This is your doing as well, Ranger!" Gandalf cried, now pointing at Aragorn.

"What is your problem?" Aragorn cried. "We have _names_, you know!"

"I know," Gandalf said, crossing his arms. "I just don't use them." He stood and headed off into the trees.

"Where are _you_ going, old man?" asked Gimli.

"To find some wildflowers to put in my hair and make me look pretty!" the wizard called back, running off.

"Great," muttered Boromir, his face in his palms. "Now what do we do? Elf-boy's up a tree, and Gandalf thinks he's a girl."

"I know!" Merry cried. He hurried away into the trees.

"Now he's gone, too?" Boromir said.

"Nope!" Merry replied brightly, coming back into the clearing. He was carrying a very large rock.

"What's that for?" asked Frodo.

"This!" Merry cried, raising the rock over his head. He aimed at Legolas, who still had the hat over his eyes, but the rock was too heavy, and he fell to the ground with a heavy _thud_. The rock landed on him, knocking him out.

The Fellowship stared at the unconscious hobbit, then Aragorn stood up.

"You're not leaving, are you, Strider?" asked Sam.

"No, but I _am_ getting Legolas down from the tree." Aragorn headed over to the tree that Legolas had climbed. He seemed to be studying it from every angle.

"How?" asked Gimli, joining him.

"Like this!" Aragorn answered, taking Gimli's axe. He began hacking away at the tree trunk. When Boromir and the remaining conscious hobbits, who were not more than ten feet away from the tree, realized what he was doing, they quickly ran to the far end of the clearing. Pippin grabbed Merry by the feet and dragged him along.

"No!" Gimli cried. "That's not for trees, it's for Orcs!" He knocked Aragorn over and tried to wrest the axe from his grip. Meanwhile, the tree, which hadn't been cut sufficiently to fall, remained upright, and Legolas simply leapt from it.

"Catch him!" Boromir shouted, hurrying after the Elven prince. The hobbits stared at one another for a moment, then drew their swords and followed Boromir. At the other end of the clearing, Legolas was watching Aragorn and Gimli fight, and he noticed the axe lying abandoned some feet away from the scuffle. Getting a sudden wicked idea, he grabbed the axe, and due to his caffeine rush, he began chopping away at the tree like mad. Soon, it began to creak and fall over. The Elf giggled (once again) and hurried away.

"Give – it – back!" demanded the Dwarf, punching Aragorn repeatedly in the chest.

"I don't have it!" cried Aragorn. Then, they both heard the tree. Slowly, they looked up, but before they could move, the tree fell on the hapless dwarf. Aragorn began to laugh almost as madly as Legolas and rolled away. At the same time, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, and Pippin were chasing after Legolas, who had abandoned Gandalf's hat.

Just then, Gandalf ran back into the clearing with an armful of wildflowers. Several had been strung through his long braid, as well. He stared at the nutty scene for a moment, then bellowed, "What's going _on_?"

And everyone froze.

* * *

A/N: I love it!! Gandalf with braided and be-flowered hair! Legolas is insane! Gimli crushed by a tree! I love these characters, which is why I torture them so! Oh, I'm EVIL!!!!


	3. Resolutions

Caffeine

A/N: All right, all right. I was gonna make you people wait till next week, 'cuz this is the last chapter, but you asked for it. I mean, never before has one of my stories received five reviews in one day. Yesterday, I did. Today, four reviews! Thanks to: Miss Piratess, Strider 7901, Sassy Girl, Lemon Slice, God's-girl2004, and Arphendess for reviewing today! I just want to take this opportunity to say something: If you give me a review, I will most likely give you a review. The only time I will not is if you have only PG-13 stories and up. I don't read higher than PG. If you are under these circumstances, I will still thank you in upcoming chapters of one of my stories. And also, thanks to anyone who reviews this story in the future!

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Chapter Three: Resolutions

They all stared at Gandalf for a while. Finally, Gimli, still trapped under the tree, broke the silence.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" he demanded. "I think you drank some of the Starbucks too!"

"I did no such thing!" Gandalf protested.

They all stared a moment longer, then sprang back into action. Boromir and the hobbits, minus Merry, continued to chase Legolas, who stood at the end of the clearing, waving Gimli's axe around. They were being aided by Aragorn. However, every time they started to catch up with the Elf, the caffeine in his system gave him an extra burst of speed, and he got away again.

Groaning, Gimli pulled himself out from beneath the tree. He jumped up and gave a shout of triumph. Then, Legolas sped by, and Gimli saw that he had his axe. Within seconds, he had joined the chase. Gandalf was also running after them, but he was trying to quell the crazed episode.

Then, Gimli launched himself at Legolas. He missed. At the same second, Merry woke up, and Gimli landed on him. Winded, the hobbit collapsed again. Finally, Legolas went over to the fire and spread his arms wide, as if to make an announcement. The (conscious) members of the Fellowship stopped and stared. Then, the Elf opened his mouth – and emitted an ear-splitting giggle.

Gimli surreptitiously made his way over to Legolas. Shouting dwarven war cries, he leapt into the air and brought the butt of his axe down hard on the Elf's head. Legolas dropped to the ground also unconscious. Simultaneously, Merry rose his head and gave a very confused sounding, "What happened?"

"Legolas drank the Starbucks," Pippin said.

Frodo crossed his arms and glared at them. "I told you! I knew there was something wrong with that drink. I _knew_ it! But does anybody listen to me? Of course not! I'm just a stupid, paranoid hobbit who thinks everyone's out to get me!"

"But you _are_ a stupid, paranoid hobbit who thinks everyone's out to get you," Boromir pointed out.

"That's not the point," Frodo argued. Then he realized what Boromir had said. "Hey!"

Half an hour later, the Fellowship, except for Legolas, had settled down to eat their abandoned dinner, but only after Gandalf had strewn his flowers through the clearing as a gesture of friendship.

"Don't know how giving the trees dead flowers is a gesture of friendship," Gimli muttered. "Seems like a death sentence to me."

After some time, Legolas sat up, uttering a soft moan. He rubbed the back of his head, which was still sore from Gimli's whack. "What happened?" he asked, unknowingly repeating what Merry had said before.

The Fellowship looked at each other and grinned. "Starbucks."

Legolas stared at them for a moment, then asked, "Why has Gandalf got flowers in his hair?"

His companions recounted the tale.

They set off the next morning, leaving the coffee cup behind in the clearing. Around noon the same day, Elrond's twin sons, Elrohir and Elladan rode into the clearing on their Elven steeds.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Elladan. He was pointing at the cup.

"I don't know," Elrohir shrugged. "Let's try it."

The End

A/N: Well, there you have it! I'm sorry that it's so short, but I couldn't really extend the idea. But if someone's willing to write about what happens to Elladan and Elrohir, I'll be happy to read it!


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